once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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