Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
