i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
