Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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