Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
