do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
