If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
