You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
