I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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