I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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