She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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