Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
