last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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