So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
