i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
