Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
