I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
