I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
