So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
