Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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