just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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