hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
