she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
