I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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