There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
