i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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