Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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