If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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