my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
