You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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