i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
