I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
