I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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