my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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