Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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