CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
