grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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