Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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