can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
