apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
