He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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