I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
soo... how was my night?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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