I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
