do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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