im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
