You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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