Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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