i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
