There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
