i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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