I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
