Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
