i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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